Beans
by Tabithatibi
Summary: Several characters, over the course of several chapters, eat several beans of several flavours, with several results, hopefully with several degrees of hilarity, or at least mild amusement. Happy Birthday Em! This is for you. :  Tabs


_Hi! This is a long overdue birthday present for my dear friend Em. :) Hope you like Chapter 1, Em, there's more to come! :D_

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><p><span>Beans<span>

Albus Dumbledore was tired. The light whirring of his silver instruments seemed to be filling up his thoughts with humming and clicking, small flashes of light and gentle puffs of smoke. His eyelids drooped as he struggled to focus on the letter he had been attempting to read for the past half an hour. He was just beginning to sink truly into oblivion when there was a sharp knock on the door, and almost before he had finished saying 'Come in', Minerva McGonagall had marched into his office, brushing snow from her cloak and clutching an enormous box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.

'Minerva! What time do you call this?' exclaimed Albus in astonishment.

'I call it,' Minerva glanced at her watch, 'quarter past seven in the evening.'

There was a slight pause as Albus wondered whether maybe he ought to get out more, and whether, if he did, he might be able to stay awake a little bit longer. The pause became quite a long one, and was on the verge of descending into awkwardness when Minerva gave a small cough and continued speaking.

'Now, Albus, you know I was going to get your Christmas present by Owl-Order? Well, there's been a bit of a mix up (something to do with an escaped Hypogriff and a large cauldron of verituserum, it all sounds quite run-of-the-mill to me) and it doesn't look like it'll arrive until January, so I've been to Hogsmeade and bought you this,' she brandished the box of beans right in front of Albus's nose, 'as a preliminary present.'

Albus stared at the box of beans, trying both to gather his thoughts (he was still occupied with the escaped Hypogriff and the truth potion – it didn't sound so very run-of-the-mill to _him_), and to force a pleasant smile upon his face; he realised now that he had never told Minerva of his dislike for Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, and was beginning to wish he had made his sweet preferences more widely known … maybe he should start using his favourite confections as the passwords needed in order to enter into his office …

'Thank you, Minerva – I'm sure I shall enjoy them greatly. I hardly know whether I'll be able to resist them until Christmas Day!'

'Oh, you can eat them beforehand if you wish,' replied Minerva carelessly, swinging her cloak back around her shoulders, 'it's not as if it's your proper present anyhow. Now I must be going, Albus, I promised to visit a friend of mine for a few days and it's getting on a bit. After all,' she added as she walked to the door, 'it's almost _seven thirty_ now!' And with a tight-lipped, sarcastic smile, she was gone.

Albus stared glumly at the box of beans.

'Ah, well,' he said in a slightly mournful voice, I'm sure just a few can't hurt … '

And reaching into the box, Albus Dumbledore made what was to be one of the greatest mistakes he had ever committed in all his life.

It didn't start out too badly. True, they were unusual, but he quite liked artichoke, and what was wrong with a nice helping of wasabi? Before long, Albus was actually quite enjoying himself. He was getting rather good at spotting raspberry jam flavoured beans, and had just had the idea of placing a layer of them on top of a layer of toast-flavoured beans, with some butter-flavoured flavoured beans in between or good measure. This would, of course, have been one of his best ideas ever, in the history of everness, not to mention a culinary masterpiece, if it weren't for one saliant fact: Albus, while being a brilliant wizard, was awful at picking out bread flavoured beans. Reaching his had into the box, he produced what appeared to be an innocent yellowish-looking bean. Popping it confidently into his mouth, Albus had a second of blissful ignorance, before the full horror of his unassuming little bean overtook him. Jumping to his feet, he snatched up a quill and hastily scribbled a note in case anyone should come visiting while he was out. As soon as he was finished writing, he sprinted for the door, down his spiral staircase, and through several hallways, much to the delight and amusement of several passing students. He was impeded only once, by a gaggle of timid-looking first years. Resisting the strong impulse to yell 'Out of the way, shorties!' he instead hopped from foot to foot in front of them until they took the hint and _finally moved_.

Back in Dumbledore's office, Phineas Nigellus Black peered curiously at Dumbledore's hastily scribbled note, before recoiling in disgust at what he read.

'How vulgar … ' he muttered to himself, walking pointedly out of his painting.

Their attention caught, all the other portraits of past headmasters and headmistresses craned forwards to read Dumbledore's note;

_Be back soon – accidentally ate a laxative bean._

_A.P.W.B.D _

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><p><em>There! Childish, yes, fun to write, yes, something like what you wanted? I hope so. :)<em>

_Tabs ~  
><em>


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